1991
by werechick
Summary: (SLASH: Remus/James, Remus/Sirius) Before the truth, there was doubt, even in the hearts of those whom he loved.
1. I

**_1991_**

**_Remus' Point of View_**

I stare at the photograph, worn with age.  It's muggle; Lily took it herself.  She had big dreams once; dreams only time could've destroyed.

She was going to live in the big city; New York, London, Paris, Rome, Madrid… it didn't matter.  Anywhere but here, that's all Lily knew.

Lily traveled all over the continent on holidays, seeing all the sights and hearing all the sounds of a world where no one knew her name.

Lily took so many photographs, so many shots just like this one.

James smiles back from nearly ten years ago.  His smile is so brilliant, his deep eyes so beautiful, a shade of truest blue.  His arms wrapped around Lily, squeezing her so tight she can barely move.  Sirius was at the other end of the boat, I knew.  I was in a padded room, readying myself for the impending sunset, spelling doom from afar.

I look at the next picture, Sirius smiling wickedly, hair waving in the wind like a great dark sail.  His brown eyes are the color of honey, his smile genuine.

I wonder how it could be, how these same sweet eyes could fill with hate and rage.  I wondered how he could ever kill, how this could ever be.

I knew the answer, in my heart.  He was jealous and scared, scared of losing me to James, and jealous of the way he had everything and everyone he ever wanted.

Sirius used to hold me late at night, hold me and tell me everything would be fine, that Mum would come to her senses and someone would find a cure.  He also said "I love you," words I pledged not to hear; yet echoed back to him.

Sirius said it was madness, to love someone so much.  Then he ruffled my hair, kissed me on the cheek and said insanity was everything he needed.

Maybe he did go mad.  You have to be mad to kill someone, especially someone like James, someone I loved.

**_Author's Note:  _**"Insanity was everything he needed" is based on a song lyric, "lunacy is everything I need" from _Bye Bye Baby_, by the group Ok Go.


	2. II

**_1991_**

**_Sirius' Point of View_**

            The shadows mock me, taunt me, and lure me out of my bed in their savage attempt at my life.  A single howl at the moon, made by some lonely wolf, makes me think of him, my heart race and my stomach lurch forward.

Moony isn't here.  He never was and never should be.  He didn't kill anyone.  I did; I'm to blame.  Nothing can change that.  Nothing can bring James and Lily back… There's nothing in the world that can make me clean again, nothing that can make me whole again, fresh and innocent.

As I wallow in self-pity, I realize the truth.  "Remus…" I whisper.  "Remus…"

Remus will never know.  He'll never know the truth, how hard I tried to save him.  I bit my lip, forcing myself not to cry.  The dementors will never break me like that; I won't let them do that to me.

Remus won't know about Peter.  He'll live his life thinking Peter was a hero, some kind of saint or martyr, not the murderer he really is.

Peter will get away with it.  He will grin his sick, twisted little grin and laugh his sad little laugh.  His eyes will glaze over, burning red with bottled hatred.  He'll kill again.  Men and women, muggle and magical, all will be killed.  Their lives will play the forfeit of my foolish faith.

The world as we know it will fall, and for what?  For what cause did James die?  For what do I rot in this cell?

I know the answer now, it seems so simple to me:  love.  As ignorant as he was, Peter was not stupid.  He saw the way Remus looked at James, the love so hollow and empty, unfulfilled and waster.  It disgusted him to know his friend loved a man so.

Remus loved James.  So bloody much, he'd dies for James, given the chance.  Nothing anyone could ever do or say would change that.

But James loved Lily, red hair, green eyes and a smile so bright it rivaled the sun.

I was the one who loved Remus.  As a best mate and as a mate, I loved him.  Remus' voice, his smell, his touch… each seemed divinely inspired to me.

I kissed him once, so soft and delicate, and said "I love you."  He nodded his head and held me close.  He said he loved me too.

Wet runs down my cheeks.  I'm crying.  Damn it.  The dementors surround me, checking for traces of happiness in my tears.  But there are none.  Remus couldn't have meant it.

It's just… what if he did?  What if, all those years, he loved me too?  I don't know; I don't have to know.  I'll die before leaving this place.


	3. III

1991  
  
Remus' Point of View  
  
Days come, and days go. But nothing can change the memory of his face, the way he looked at me, brown eyes filled with guilt and a strange sadness as they carted him away, into Azkaban for the rest of his life.  
  
I knew he did it. He was the only one who could've. I knew he deserved to go. So I let them carry him away without so much as a word from my lips.  
  
I can't help but dream of him, even now. I know it's wrong to feel this way, I know I would be locked away too, if they knew I felt this way  
  
I would deserve it, too. Every bit of it would be my fault. I can't love him. For me to love him would be a sin against God and against society, my mother and my father, Lily and James.  
  
I am a man. Men aren't supposed to feel this way about murderers, especially other men. Years ago the raw pain and jealousy I felt everyday as the most beautiful witch in the world kisses James, my James, was nearly unbearable. But it was the way I felt, and I feel the same for Sirius now.  
  
I am a werewolf. We are man-eating beasts, horrid creatures all. We deserve no right but a silver bullet to the brain, to put us out of our misery as well as everyone else's. But Sirius. he loved me anyway. or at least he said he did, the bloodthirsty traitor.  
  
Sirius is a murderer, the one who killed my true love, and the one who handed him and the others to the dark lord on a silver platter. I should kill him. I should rip him apart from limb to limb, tear his heart out and eat it, and then strangle the smarmy bastard with his own innards. But I can't do it. I hate him but I love him too.  
  
Is it strange of me to feel like this, or is it only in my nature to be man and beast, what I am and what I am not, good and evil, saint and sinner, straight and bent?  
  
He's like that too, contradictory and hypocritical by nature. An atheist that believes in reincarnation, an Auror and a Death Eater, and a murderer who is my only hope of salvation: Sirius Orion Black.  
  
Perhaps it is true, that "nature will compel you to act" of the Gita's. I can't help it. I think of him always, and I've risked my life for him many times. Is this love? I promised him it was. Am I a liar or simply a fool? 


	4. IV

**_1991_**

**_Sirius' Point of View_**

            He stared at me when I was forced through the gates; blue eyes filled with unshed tears, red and burning for my sake.  His hands, which had been so warm, so soft and tender to the touch just days earlier, were rough and clenched tightly into fists as they nearly froze in the cold, damp sea air of early November.

The cold seeps into his bones, I can tell.  It gets to him, to his inner wolf.  I see him shivering and I know he's begging for his bed, and for sleep.  But sleep won't come.  It never does when you really need it.

            He stands alone, his back facing the entire world.  He doesn't shift his gaze; he wants to make sure I'm locked away for good.  Remus never did take chances.  It was always James and I that did.

            Why doesn't he have Harry now?  Remus should.  He would be a fine father, loving but not too soft, as devoted to his child as I am to him.  I envy his future children.

            When he holds Harry, you can tell he loves him so.  It's not sexual, of course, Remus isn't like that, but it is love, pure and unconditional in its greatest form.  He'd give his life for Harry's, to redeem himself for some debt he never owed.  Yes, he'd die for Harry.  And Lily already did.

            They probably wouldn't let him keep the boy.  Werewolves aren't supposed to have children.  That's not right, that sister of Lily's, Petunia, she can't care for a child.  But neither can Remus, left alone on a full moon night.

            Maybe it's for the best that things ended this way.  He and I never could of made it.  Remus is already an outcast, without any of my help.  I needed him.  He never needed me.


End file.
